Summer

2nd Year

I must say (or type) I'm quite excited for 2nd year; mainly because of Feature Film of course. I just think it's such a wonderful opportunity to be able to make a film as an undergraduate. It was the main reason why I came to UCLan and soon I'll be doing what I've been looking forward to most on this course. I'm also excited to up my game a little bit. I feel like I breezed through first year doing the bare minimum and that is not what I'm at university for. I'm actually looking forward to being challenged by assignments and feature film. I'd like to think I'm ready to work now.

However I'm also worried that I've overestimated my abilities and won't be able to handle 2nd year. Speaking to current 2nd years on the course, they all seemed to mention that there was a huge difference between 1st and 2nd year. Apparently the work load doubles and it's not so easy to pass. I'll be honest and say I haven't given 100% in anything 'education-related' for a few years now and I' scared that when the time calls for it; I won't be able to deliver. It's annoying when you're constantly questioning yourself and your potential. I've never been confident anything I've done or do. I always feel like there's room for improvement or that I'm not good enough. I want 2nd year to be different. I want it to be the year where I can finally say with confidence that I am 'good' at what I do. It may seem like a little thing to most people but it's all I've wanted for as long as I can remember.

I'm also worried about working in such a large group of my peers. I don't do well in big groups. I always get really quiet and let others talk even though I really have a lot to say. I think getting to know my course mates a bit better should help with this. Once I'm comfortable with someone I find it easier to be myself.

I know what I need to do to succeed, I always have. It's just a matter of getting those things done ! Starting work a good few weeks before it's due will be my biggest hurdle I think. I'm so used to doing things last minute that it's now quite hard to find motivation to work when I'm not under pressure. I think making 'To Do' lists everyday and giving myself some sort of punishment when I don't get everything done should help with the problem.

So overall I am both excited and worried about 2nd year. I can't wait to start though,  I think it'll be a good year.

Role

I came onto the course determined to become a Director in the future so as soon as Feature came up I decided to go for that role. I spent a lot of time thinking about this over the summer. A lot of time. I've decided to not go for Director anymore. The excuse I told myself was that I wasn't experienced enough; I haven't actually directed a film 'properly' yet. However this journal is for me to be honest about my feelings so that's what I'll do. I got scared. I started thinking about what it would take to actually direct a feature film and chickened out. I definitely don't have enough experience and I'm not confident enough to go for it. I like challenges but this one just felt like it was beyond me. I'm disappointed at my fear but I'm also not going to go for something I'm so unsure about.

Yes I'm still scared of failure. It's going to be hard to get rid of that flaw of mine.

I've decided to go for a role which I'm more confident about fulfilling but which will also challenge me. I'm going to go for First AD. Reading up on the role description, it just seemed to stand out. I like the fact that a First Ad needs to be ridiculously organized. It'll give me a chance to see if I can get a bit of the old Rachel back. A girl who always managed to stay on top of everything and with ease. It'll also be good to have a role of such importance; to feel like I have a say in what happens.

Research

I'll be honest and admit that I didn't do much research into being a first AD. I mainly used the internet to research about the role of a First Assistant Director and what it takes to become one. I found already knew the main roles and  responsibilities of an AD from what I had been told and what I had seen last year during my making of.

However I did learn something very important during my research; The extent to which I have to schedule. I thought I only needed to decide what scenes we shot each day with a basic scene shooting order. I didn't realise I had to schedule each shot in and also estimate the amount of time it would take to get a good take. Very detailed stuff, but it didn't throw me off at all. The fact that I have more control is actually exciting

.

"I have to be careful not to become a control freak

 if I get First AD"

All in all, bottom line is...if we don't finish everything we need to in the day - it's on me. I need to learn how to schedule defiantly and effectively - that will be my main task.

The main reason why I didn't do much research was because I wanted to go for a trial and error approach. The dry runs will be a great time to do this as it gives me time to practice and find the best methods before the actual shoot. I thought it would better and overall more rewarding to discover my own way of ADing.

So through my research I have discovered that a First AD needs to DO and BE the following things:

·         Schedule each shoot day:

·     -    Assist the Director

·      -   Supervise cast and crew

·      -    Keep shoot on or ahead of schedule

·      -   Responsible for health and safety on set

·      -   Call Sheets

·      -   General production activity.

·      -   Team leader

·      -   Motivator

·     -   Good communicator

I think I'm happier and more comfortable going for the role of First Ad because as challenging as it seems, in the back of my mind, I know that I can do it if I work. When I think about directing, it's just endless doubt. Can you really become a good director just because you work hard at it ? Isn't it one of those things you either have or don't. Creativity is not something you can learn...or is it ? So many questions...it just gives me a headache. But I'll have to tackle this fear of directing soon if I'm serious about pursuing that career in the future.

"I definitely still want to direct"

Just not now. I want to build up my confidence in order areas first and then go for it. But who knows where the future might take me. Might get First AD and absolutely hate being one or get a different role and love it. But that is the beauty of filmmaking. You can never really tell what you'll like until you actually try doing it.