Feature Afterthoughts

I both loved and hated shooting the feature film. Most days were ok, Some days were amazing and 1 or 2 days were unbearable.

I'll be honest from the start and say that the feature film took a lot more out of me than I expected. I was really unprepared for the emotional roller-coaster which I happily jumped on without realizing  Despite this, if given the chance to do it all again, I would.

"I must be an adrenaline junkie because I seem to like the feeling of being on edge"

I think I got off to a great start at the beginning despite one or two hiccups. I was able to deal with any issues quickly and efficiently most of the time. I managed to maintain order on set everyday and everyone always listened to what I had to say. I think I only shouted once and that was only because a light was about to fall. I really enjoyed spending time with  my unit. A few of us were already close friends but everyone made an effort to mingle. There were times on set when one of us would just start singing a song and everyone would slowly join in. Those were the days I found amazing; the days when it felt like we were one big family.  I wouldn't and couldn't ask for a better unit to work. I felt respected and appreciated on most days.

The bad side of feature is the effect it had on me emotionally. It took a lot out of me; mainly because my heart was in it. I cared very much about my role and  the film as a whole. For me it wasn't just a university assignment, it was a turning point in my life. I had somehow managed to get an important role and I wanted to prove my worth. But I think I overworked myself. On bad days, after coming home I would just sit on my bed and cry. I wasn't crying because I was upset, but rather because I was angry. Mainly at myself. For not doing as well as I could have on a shoot day or for messing up. But I was also angry at people who did not care about feature film as much as I  did and those who did not any effort into their work. I found it quite unfair and would usually think

"Why am I working so hard when no one else seems to give a toss"

I would just cry out all my anger and always felt much better afterwards. Yet I still went back on set each shooting day because I wanted to be there.

By the end of the four week shoot period I was ready to forget about the film and move on. I'd had enough. But when I went home for Easter I found myself thinking about it a lot. I vowed that I would not do anymore work on feature after the shoot and that I would concentrate on other modules but whenever I was at the MF I had to go into 209 to see what was going on. Even now I can't leave the film alone. I desperately want it to become a success. It feels like a part of me now and that's quite incredible. Everyone knows watching films can generate all kinds of emotions in the audience and inspire them but who knew filmmaking could also do the same.